I've done it. I've finally uncovered what it takes to win a political race. There is a very strict recipe that must be followed and some—as we will see this year—have this dish down to perfection.
This recipe has been a very well–kept secret, so I hesitate to print it. After all, any Joe Schmoe could follow it and win an election—even the Presidential election. But I believe the Founding Fathers set up free speech for just such a purpose; it's time that the public knows what is really going on.
I doubt you'll believe how I came across this recipe, but then I hardly believe it myself. A few nights ago, I was sleeping soundly in my bed when I was suddenly awakened by someone shaking me. Crazily, it was a little green man. I shut my eyes to go back to sleep (of course, thinking I was dreaming), but the little man kept shaking me.
Finally, I asked him what he wanted. He told me he was a leprechaun and even more importantly, a political leprechaun. I did just what you would do at this point and told him that there were no such things as leprechauns, and especially political leprechauns, and that he should quit playing me for the fool, and if he didn't mind, it was 2 am, and I wouldn't mind getting a little more sleep.
But he kept shaking me and asking me to come with him to the computer, and finally, I humored him, and he crawled up onto my computer chair. He first went to politicalleprechaunsobserverunit.com/AgentLooni/partyonecamera . And suddenly, we were watching a planning meeting by one of the major political parties for the upcoming election (although Agent Looni—the leprechaun—made me promise not to tell which party). The dialogue between the political planners went like this:
Rookie Planner: Maybe we should tell them the truth.
Experienced Planner One: Tell them what?!
Rookie Planner: You know...the truth.
Experienced Planner Two: Forget the truth. We've got to follow the recipe.
Experienced Planner One: Exactly. The recipe is how you win elections.
At this point Agent Looni typed in: politicalleprechaunsobserverunit.com/AgentLooni/partytwocamera. We were suddenly looking at a planning meeting by the other major political party (again I was sworn to secrecy as to which one it was). This meeting went like this:
Hopeful 1st Election Change Maker: We should run a clean election campaign.
Crusty Old Incumbent: And then they'll follow the recipe and we'll lose.
Hopeful 1st Election Change Maker: Maybe we should try a different recipe.
Crusty Old Incumbent: There's only one recipe for victory.
Well, I must admit that at this point, my curiosity was piqued about this "recipe," so I asked Looni if he could get me a copy of it. He zoomed the hidden camera in on the table where they sat and snapped a quick picture which downloaded to my computer. And so I've got it. I'll watch with great interest as this year's election unfolds and I'm sure the winner will follow the recipe.
Now I realize you might be having trouble believing all this (amazingly, some have said I'm fabricating these things). However, I have the original copy of the recipe—which I will be glad to show you. Just remember you need to bring a signed permission release form from Agent Looni of the Leprechaun Observer unit to view it.
I also want you to know that I understand the damage that releasing this recipe could cause by allowing just anyone to win an election—say, for instance, a non–professional politician. The thought of someone winning political office who is not trained in meanness, cover—ups, trashing reputations, littleness, shmoozing, double–speak, politi–speak, over–spending, over–dramatization, exaggeration, hiding, self–interest, self–promotion, focused blindness, denial, opinion polls, special interest groups, and back stepping, is, to say the least, a little worrisome.
And, of course, I realize the backlash releasing this document could mean for me personally from the major political parties: lawsuits, defamations, denials, etc. Nevertheless, let the truth finally be known. Here is a copy of the recipe:
Winning an Election
1 district of constituents
1 or more opponents
1 or more opponents' reputations
3–5 special interest groups
2 half–true ads
4 vague statements (can substitute non–committal statements, if necessary)
5 barrels fresh dirt found out about opponents
generous amount of personal agenda
white lies for garnish
During election debate, mix up constituents with vague or non–committal statements. In separate secret meetings, blend personal agenda with special interest groups' agendas. Set aside until legislature votes. Pour water on fresh dirt. Stir. Take resultant mud and fling energetically at opponents. Fry opponent's reputation on very high heat with half–true ads. Garnish liberally with white lies as necessary.
Recipe serves one politician and unlimited special interest groups.