Author's Note: This is a satire. In it, I'm expressing an opinion on a thin slice of a complex issue. The whys of mass shootings and the such are simply incomprehensible to me.
California-Cities across the nation still are tallying results from this week's "Gun Roundup" after Congress passed sweeping legislation banning guns in the United States. In a unanimous decision, Congress outlawed all firearms, vowing to "stop senseless gun crimes."
U.S. Senator Karla Clooluss of Oregon, one of the law's co-authors, claims it will prevent gun crime, even saying, "It may stop all criminal activity."
"It's time we stop these shootings," said Clooluss. "We've permitted these crimes for too long. As a country, we've simply sat around and done nothing. But now, as a united Congress, we've acted. Gun crime is done--forever."
Anti-gun proponents across the country celebrated with parades and parties.
As part of the new legislation, citizens were required to turn in all personal firearms to a "Gun Recycle Station" in their area. Similar to voting stations, they were staffed by volunteers who kept strict records of all weapons turned in.
In Pipe Dream City, California, results were impressive. Station leaders reported all citizens within the city limits turned in every gun, including ammunition. Both honest citizens and criminals participated.
"It was exactly as I'd imagined it," said Fan Teecy, one of Pipe Dream City's station leaders. "It was great to see everyone turn in their weapons. Thieves, drug dealers, honest people--everyone cooperated. I even had a couple of citizens who were planning major shootings and they turned in their weapons. Simply amazing."
When asked why she thought criminals would turn in their firearms because of this law, when they break all the other laws, Ms. Teecy seemed confused by the question. "But this is a gun control law. No one would break this law. I mean, I could see that eighteen-year-olds might illegally obtain alcohol or drugs, but they never would think of getting a gun illegally. Not even the most hardened criminal would do that."
The work of renowned psychiatrist Dr. Igot Paidfurthis confirms Teecy's opinion. According to a study by Paidfurthis's laboratory earlier this year, gun control laws completely heal any type of murder-inducing psychosis. The study clearly showed that, although someone might be mentally deranged enough to commit a mass shooting prior to gun control laws, all such derangement completely disappears after gun control legislation is passed. It also showed that criminals never tried getting around such laws and, in fact, most criminals left crime and entered the priesthood after gun control laws were implemented.
Not all cities enjoyed the success of Pipe Dream City, though. In neighboring Reality Oaks, results were markedly different. There, inexplicably, only law-abiding citizens turned in their firearms--no criminals participated.
Daryl Doobee, California's newly elected governor, was quick to point out that results of the new legislation would have some anomalies.
"Look," Doobee said, "we have hundreds of cities in California and we knew that in at least one of them, criminals would be out of town, or sick, or maybe attending a birthday party. I'm certain that all criminals in Reality Oaks will turn in their weapons by the end of the week. After all, this isn't like other laws that criminals simply ignore. This is a gun control law."
A big win for Senator Clooluss and Congress is that all crime apparently has disappeared. Nationwide, no arrests have been made in the last 72 hours and only one speeding violation has been issued. The speeding violator, a member of one of the drug smuggling gangs in Southern Arizona, claimed to have a good reason.
"I drove like Speedy Gonzales the whole day to collect all the guns from our different drug smuggling outposts," stated Juan C. Riminal, Lieutenant General for the iDrugs2U gang. Mr. Riminal explained how focused he was on complying with the new law. "I wanted to get every last piece, and I got them all! Are you kidding me? I'll pay a speeding ticket any day for our gang to be legal beagle on gun control. The other gangs give you major cred for it."
An unforeseen result of the law was that Schlage, the largest manufacturer of home door locks, said they would close their doors by the end of the week. Congress is urging all homeowners to leave doors unlocked at night, as there is no further need to lock doors.
Considering all numbers currently reported, citizen compliance is more than ninety-nine percent and the new legislation single-handedly has removed crime from our nation. In related news, applications for swine aviation licenses have increased dramatically and the NYSE shows ice skates sales up are up sharply in Hell.
Dan Greenig is the fertilizer writer for the Asohsheeated Press. He waded through a lot of manure getting this story.